I'll never go to school, Mamma!!



Tina is a 4 years’ lively and sporty girl. She loves outdoors and, obviously, doesn’t like to sit still at home and in school. She’s a sensitive girl, and gets really hurt when someone talks to her rudely.

This Monday morning was a little difficult for her mom, Ruby. Tina woke up with tears in her eyes, followed with sobbing. Ruby was trying to understand what was wrong. She kept asking Tina as to what makes her cry, but to her vain. She recalled that she has to comfort her first, let her calm down, and then they can talk to find out the real reason.

Ruby held Tina in her arms, helped her drink some water to soothe her. After 10 minutes, Tina got the comfort that her Mom is 'with her' in this difficult situation, so she stopped crying, but was still sad.

Ruby asked, gently touching Tina’s face with her hands, “Why are you sad, my sweetheart? Tell Mamma, I’m with you.”

Tina said sadly “I don’t want to go to school, I don’t like school”

Ruby again gently asked “Think for a minute, and tell me what it is about the school that you don’t like.”

Tina paused for few minutes and said “Ma’am scolds me!”

Ruby realized they were getting late for the school, but she knew that this matter needs to be resolved first. She didn’t want to send Tina to school forcibly, with this problem unresolved. 

She continued in a gentle voice “But why Ma’am scolds you, and does she scolds other kids too?”

Tina, now gaining confidence in her Mom, replied “Because I was being naughty, and other kids get scolding too when they’re naughty.”

Ruby, then calmly, shared her childhood story with Tina “You know when I was little; I also liked to get naughty by talking to my friends while Ma’am was teaching us. And I too used to get scolded for not listening to Ma’am. But then my Mamma shared a secret with me, which I’m now sharing with you. You can talk to your friends during fruit break and lunch break. But when Ma’am is teaching, all kids need to sit quietly and listen.”

Ruby continued “Okay, we’ll play ‘school-school’ this weekend. You’ll pretend to be our Ma’am; and Mamma, Dad, Grandpa and Grandma will be your students. Now if we’ll talk while you’re teaching us, what will you do? You’ll ask all of us to sit quietly and listen to you...Right? If we won’t agree, you’ll scold us. That’s exactly what your Ma’am does; when you and other kids don’t listen to her. She has no other way to make you listen to her. And if she won’t make you sit quietly and study, Principal Ma’am will scold your Ma’am. Will that be right?”

Tina quietly looked at her Mom. Ruby got the answer, and understood that Tina was finally convinced that her teacher was doing the right thing.

But she was still sad because ‘what she wanted’ didn’t match with ‘what her Ma’am wanted’. 
Still she got up with her sad face expressions, accepting that she’ll go to school; but not happily.

Ruby helped her get ready fast. Though they were late, still Ruby managed to bring a smile on Tina’s face when she entered the school.

“This is one of the best days of my life; as a Mom,” Ruby said to herself.

How often do we encounter these situations with a completely different mindset? Our minds have been wired to believe that kids show tantrums while going to school, and it’s absolutely normal.

And our natural reactions are:
“Don’t start it in the morning itself!!”
“Everyone goes to school, so why won’t you?”
“Get up now; you’re already late!!”

Then we usually hold them and send them to washrooms, in anger.

Time and again, I’ve been focussing on one very important aspect of positive parenting: ‘Going beyond the misbehavior, and finding the real reason.’

And there’s scientific reason for that. Scolding, punishments and hitting never teaches kids to behave properly in future. Their minds are still developing in the areas of logic and emotions. And it is our task to make them learn how to respond to emotions.

What Ruby did is an example of emotionally intelligent parent:

  • She kept herself calm while Tina was sobbing for the reason unknown to her. She didn’t get hyper to know the reason. She waited.
  • She gave her the confidence that her Mom is 'with her' in this problem; by being close to her.
  • When Tina became calm, she talked to her gently all through their conversation.
  • She declined the old belief of sending her to school with a troubled mind to face the same situation again; which though was trivial for her, but was big for her daughter.
  • She knew that emotional intelligence and resilience can be taught only through understanding, empathising and communicating with Tina. 

Tina at this stage of life; has begin her learning to:

  1. Understand her feelings
  2. Express those feelings calmly
  3. Talk about the underlying problem with her parents
  4. Contribute to problem solving with the help of her parents.

Problems are, and will always, be a part of our lives. We need to teach our kids to stop and look at the problem, and try to solve it with a calm mind.


But we need to learn it first.

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