Let her CRY ALONE for some time
Daisy is a stay at home mom. She was cooking in the kitchen, thinking about the fight she had the last night. Suddenly she realized there was no sound of her 5 years' daughter Ria for quiet some time.
She left the kitchen, for her daughter's search. Little Ria was in her mom's room. She was busy embracing herself in front of the mirror while applying her mom's lipstick.
Daisy lost her cool, "What are you doing?. I can't leave you alone for a minute", she screamed. She took lipstick away from little Ria. And left the room with a warning to not to touch it again.
Little Ria, afraid of what happened, started crying.
"Stop crying now, I am not coming back to wipe off your tears" Daisy said.
"Let her cry alone for some time, let her realize her mistake. I am not afraid of her crying. She cannot control me at all times, she has to understand that. Everybody in this house wants to control me, and she is an addition to the group of controllers", Daisy said to herself.
Little Ria kept crying for a long time and finally slept on the floor.
We are encountered with similar situations everyday when we leave children alone after they have done something wrong. And we are of the belief that we did right because:
1. We didn't scold or hit our kid, which is wrong.
2. We are not in control of our kid, and we must let her know that whenever she cries.
3. We are not afraid of her crying.
4. There is so much to do than to sit/wait for her to be calm.
5. She will have to learn on her own that every time she cries, mom won't be available to bear her tantrums.
Although all of the above reasons are partially correct because children learn to be manipulative as they grow up. But some times, the pain is real and we need to be there for them.
They need us because:
1. Leaving them alone is as painful as hitting or scolding. They are alone in their difficult situations while they are still little.
2. Even though they might be manipulative in crying so as to grab our attention, they are still very small and need us to tell them what is right and wrong.
3. If we'll leave them alone in the room crying, their manipulation will increase. And they'll never learn to do the right.
4. However, if we wait for them to be calm, irrespective of whether their cries are manipulative or real, we can teach them right behavior. Once they are calm, and they watch us to be on their side, we can talk to them to know the reason behind it. This acts in our favor because we can teach them that it is improper to cry to manipulate parents. "Mamma doesn't do that, so you shouldn't too" - that's what they would love to hear.
5. Kids must know that we are not afraid of their crying. And this message can be conveyed to them while sitting quietly in front of them while they are crying for manipulating us.
6. Kids feel they are most important for parents. And there is nothing wrong in feeling that. Every other work will still be there when our kids grow up, but soon they'll leave us for studies/job. Make the most of your time with them.
7. Kids don't know how to calm themselves, and they always look upon us to capture the ways we adopt to calm ourselves. A kid crying alone in the room always feels vulnerable thinking that her mom/dad hates her because of what she did. She doesn't have the capability to think about the solution for her mistake.
8. Kids are not responsible for any problems we have with anyone else. So why should they be the recipients of our frustration outbursts? Many times we behave wrong with our kids just because we were stressed about someone else's behavior.
There are many reasons to leave your kid alone while crying, even if it is for manipulating us. But there are many more valid reasons to be with her.
Leaving alone is only going to increase the misbehavior because we are not going to the root cause of the problem.
We focus on the misbehavior, but not the reason behind it. The reason needs to be taken care of 'first', and the misbehavior will be taken care of by 'itself'.
Disclaimer: I am not a parenting expert. I am a stay at home mom. My daughter has brought me to this journey of positive parenting. I love to read books on positive parenting. Whatever methods I share through my blogs are the ones that I have applied with my daughter and seen positive changes in our relationship.
I hope these methods give you a stronger mom-kid relationship. All the best to all the lovely moms!!